More

I want a life that is so much more.

It’s a struggle daily to get out of bed.

What kind of life is this?

A life where I’m just never happy.

The shitty thing is I even feel bad that I’m not happy.

I fight to care about anything these days.

I keep it all inside, because really who wants to hear about my issues?

No one.

Not that I have many people to confide in.

I pushed them away long ago.

Or they just couldn’t handle such a depressive friend dragging them down.

I don’t blame anyone though.

I don’t even want to be around myself.

It’s like there is this constant black hole at my center that is sucking the life out of me.

How do I fight a black hole?

How do I not implode?!

Is this my life?

One minute I love myself and cry because I feel others should too.

The next minute I cannot bare to live in my own body and I hide away because I don’t want to infect anyone with such a fucking mess.

I used to be a person who cared about my appearance.

I used to care how others thought of me.

Now, I rarely shave because I can’t be bothered.

I have to make myself wash my hair.

I have to force myself to get out of bed and on days I don’t work I still can’t get out of bed before noon.

I hate myself.

I hate that I stopped caring.

I hate that I’d rather sleep my days away than do anything at all.

I hate that I’ve become this person who doesn’t even answer texts.

I hate that I’d rather be completely alone, but also not want to be alone.

I hate that I’ll finally feel fine, but then a second later some small thing happens and a wave of depression knocks me back down on my ass.

I hate that when I am happy I also get sad because I know it’ll end quickly as it always does.

I hate that I don’t feel normal.

I hate that I fuck everything up in my life.

I hate that I’ll always be alone, but I also don’t hate it.

I hate that my mind is a contradiction of emotions at all times.

How can I feel so deeply, but also feel numb at the same time?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s