I want a life that is so much more.
It’s a struggle daily to get out of bed.
What kind of life is this?
A life where I’m just never happy.
The shitty thing is I even feel bad that I’m not happy.
I fight to care about anything these days.
I keep it all inside, because really who wants to hear about my issues?
Not that I have many people to confide in.
I pushed them away long ago.
Or they just couldn’t handle such a depressive friend dragging them down.
I don’t blame anyone though.
I don’t even want to be around myself.
It’s like there is this constant black hole at my center that is sucking the life out of me.
How do I fight a black hole?
How do I not implode?!
Is this my life?
One minute I love myself and cry because I feel others should too.
The next minute I cannot bare to live in my own body and I hide away because I don’t want to infect anyone with such a fucking mess.
I used to be a person who cared about my appearance.
I used to care how others thought of me.
Now, I rarely shave because I can’t be bothered.
I have to make myself wash my hair.
I have to force myself to get out of bed and on days I don’t work I still can’t get out of bed before noon.
I hate myself.
I hate that I stopped caring.
I hate that I’d rather sleep my days away than do anything at all.
I hate that I’ve become this person who doesn’t even answer texts.
I hate that I’d rather be completely alone, but also not want to be alone.
I hate that I’ll finally feel fine, but then a second later some small thing happens and a wave of depression knocks me back down on my ass.
I hate that when I am happy I also get sad because I know it’ll end quickly as it always does.
I hate that I don’t feel normal.
I hate that I fuck everything up in my life.
I hate that I’ll always be alone, but I also don’t hate it.
I hate that my mind is a contradiction of emotions at all times.
How can I feel so deeply, but also feel numb at the same time?