More

I want a life that is so much more.

It’s a struggle daily to get out of bed.

What kind of life is this?

A life where I’m just never happy.

The shitty thing is I even feel bad that I’m not happy.

I fight to care about anything these days.

I keep it all inside, because really who wants to hear about my issues?

No one.

Not that I have many people to confide in.

I pushed them away long ago.

Or they just couldn’t handle such a depressive friend dragging them down.

I don’t blame anyone though.

I don’t even want to be around myself.

It’s like there is this constant black hole at my center that is sucking the life out of me.

How do I fight a black hole?

How do I not implode?!

Is this my life?

One minute I love myself and cry because I feel others should too.

The next minute I cannot bare to live in my own body and I hide away because I don’t want to infect anyone with such a fucking mess.

I used to be a person who cared about my appearance.

I used to care how others thought of me.

Now, I rarely shave because I can’t be bothered.

I have to make myself wash my hair.

I have to force myself to get out of bed and on days I don’t work I still can’t get out of bed before noon.

I hate myself.

I hate that I stopped caring.

I hate that I’d rather sleep my days away than do anything at all.

I hate that I’ve become this person who doesn’t even answer texts.

I hate that I’d rather be completely alone, but also not want to be alone.

I hate that I’ll finally feel fine, but then a second later some small thing happens and a wave of depression knocks me back down on my ass.

I hate that when I am happy I also get sad because I know it’ll end quickly as it always does.

I hate that I don’t feel normal.

I hate that I fuck everything up in my life.

I hate that I’ll always be alone, but I also don’t hate it.

I hate that my mind is a contradiction of emotions at all times.

How can I feel so deeply, but also feel numb at the same time?

Advertisements

Numb

I feel like a shell of a person.

Maybe when they see me they know inside I’m empty.

Perhaps that’s why they keep their distance?

Who wants someone who can barely feel?

29 years and you’d think by now this numbness wouldn’t feel so raw.

There is an aching inside.

There is a yearning for something more.

There is the cold icy truth that I’m all alone in this.

Like freezing water running through my veins.

It’s a chill that never goes away.

There is no warming this icy cold isolation.

I feel so undone today, like a roll of yarn. 

Unraveling, trying to get to the center of meaning. 

I feel so hidden, like a treasure that just wasn’t worth the effort to find. 

A giant X marks the spot, but there is no one around to dig me out of this. 

I am buried, buried six feet deep. 

I struggle with every final breath to escape this pressure. 

I claw and claw my way back out of this lifelong grave. 

Slow burn

You awakened in me a love that I had never known.

I am uncertain, but longing to explore.

I come undone with one smoldering glance.

That look in your eyes like I’m the only one you’ve ever wanted.

We are a slow burning fuse leading to an explosive firework.

 

Today everything feels like way too much. 

I’m overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks. 

I literally just told myself I needed to do this thing, then immediately forgot what I said I needed to do. 

I feel like one small thing will break the damn inside me and the tears will start bursting out. 

All this shitty patchwork I’ve done to cover up all these holes and now it’s all coming apart at the seams. 

April 1

I’m feeling terrible today. My depression is at an all time high and I literally feel like I have no one to turn to. Sure, it may be the depression speaking to my insecurities, but I’ve had friends turn away from me because they got tired of hearing the same things from me when I’m feeling this way. I’m definitely tired of feeling this way and having these same thoughts take hold of me time after time, but I’m stuck with it all. 

You may dismiss my depression and even tell me it isn’t real, but let me tell you I’d never want anyone to feel the way I do right now. In this moment I can’t even stand myself and I can see why I bug everyone I’m close to with it all. All I can say is I’m sorry; I wish I was normal. 

I wish I didn’t have to fight myself to get out of bed every single morning. I wish I didn’t feel so isolated that I start feeling like I deserve it. I wish I didn’t have urges to cause myself pain. I wish I didn’t have to fight back panick attacks in public while no one has a clue that I am falling apart. I wish everything wasn’t so overwhelming to me. I wish I didn’t become so emotional over the smallest of things. I wish that I cared more about basic things like doing dishes, but I just don’t care if they sit forever. I wish my memory was as good as it used to be before depression took a hold on me. I just wish it didn’t feel like there is a constant storm inside of me. I wish. I wish someone understood me at all. I wish I didn’t have to go through this all completely alone.